Yes, You CAN Go To Bed Angry

Most of us are familiar with the advice "Don't go to bed angry," which is based on the idea that unresolved conflicts, especially in close relationships, can fester and cause emotional distance or resentment over time.

The underlying premise is that going to bed without addressing an argument or negative emotions allows those feelings to linger, potentially deepening the divide between people.

Sometimes, issues are better resolved right away, especially if they are minor or if lingering anger could disrupt sleep.

Although I agree with this advice in many cases, I'd like to focus on the benefits of doing something contrary to this popular suggestion.

I'm going to address the flip side of this:

“LET'S SLEEP ON IT.” 

I’m going to unpack this by listing a few thoughts, suggestions, and explanations: 

Initial Check-in:

If you think a matter cannot wait until the morning, ask your spouse/partner if they’re ready and willing to have a conversation because a calm, productive discussion may not occur late into the evening. Instead, it could become heated quickly. So, check in to see if the timing is appropriate.

Agreement to Pause and Revisit:

If you both agree to table the topic that caused an argument or anger to escalate (whether you choose to call a "time-out" or simply suggest discussing the matter tomorrow or at a more suitable time), there must be an agreement that you will revisit it at a time when you feel calmer and ready to listen actively (be emotionally present). Agreeing to return to the conversation after rest can build trust, as both of you feel more valued and acknowledged.

Benefits of Sleep for Conflict Resolution:

Being overly tired, inattentive, cranky, edgy, and impatient is natural for many people as the day turns into the evening. People get physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted and may not be in the best place to talk about what’s bothering one or both of you. So, “sleeping on it” could be the best gift for this much-needed conversation. 

If Urgent, Prepare for a Serious Discussion:

If it is an urgent matter, that is a different story, and at least prepare for this serious discussion. Take a few deep breaths, pray, have some herbal tea, and/or revisit anything you’ve learned regarding effective communication, etc. 

Practice Grace and Patience:

As I often say, give yourselves and your significant others some grace. It’s beautiful when you feel something is resolved by the end of the day, and peace envelopes your relationship, which helps you sleep soundly…however...

In reality, we are human with many imperfect moments, so it’s best to give yourself and each other some grace, and the space, to rest before addressing a contentious topic in the evening. 

Sometimes, it’s beneficial to just “SLEEP ON IT.”

Sleep helps process emotions and restores calm. When you wake up, you may even realize that the topic is not as important as you thought. 

That can happen. Nevertheless, if you are less angry the next day, refrain from minimizing something that truly matters to you.

Hopefully, a fresh start to your day will help clarify what needs to be addressed and when it makes the most sense to communicate your concerns with your loved ones.

I'm Eleni Paris, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida.

I also offer 1:1 coaching programs throughout the U.S.

You can learn more about me and my work at www.eleniparislmft.com